As a writer by nature, I have enjoyed combining both passions -- coaching and writing -- and below you will find the various articles I have written about the impacts of ADHD.ADHD and Weight Control: An Interview With Barbara Luther Zandra Maffett: ADHD and Children of Color
With Love, to ADHD Moms! Mom, can you pick me up after school? Mom, you need to fill out this paper work for school? Mom, what are we having for dinner? Mom, I need help with my science project, Mom, have you done the laundry? Mom, did you sign me up for summer camp? Being a mother is not easy. Add Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) to the mix and motherhood becomes more than just a challenge. It stirs up feelings of self-doubt, overwhelm and anxiety. Constantly forgetting things, having difficulty in planning, following through and making decisions are compounded with having to deal with an entire family, a situation that only becomes more stressful. Mothers with ADHD often feel daily life is just too complicated. And on top of everything else, wonder when will they get the chance to relax, socialize with friends and enjoy life. Trying to balance a personal life and family life is incredibly hard. And the guilt is endless! Superwoman Expectations For Sheryl Greenfield, who was not diagnosed with ADHD until after her 7-year-old son's diagnosis, it was trying to keep up and never knowing why she couldn't. "I had been trying to be that super woman we all think we re supposed to be. I need to do it all and, of course, I didn't recognize the limitations of my executive functions. I could never keep up and didn't know why, she said. Also creating feelings of inadequacy and self-hate was not knowing ADD is a challenge of interest. There was a lot of guilt around that, Greenfield said. I often found myself feeling bored staying home with my children. On the surface, I appear to be just like any other normal mom, with a normal child, Sharon Brown, another mother with ADHD says. But every day I struggle with the ins and outs of daily life and parenthood that others, and especially other moms, seem to breeze through effortlessly. Brown admits that because of the stigma of ADHD, she tries to hide her struggles and how much harder it is or how much longer it takes her to accomplish everything. At the same time, however, Brown acknowledges that there are other moms who carry much heavier loads than hers and this only adds to her guilt. I try not to complain and just continue to try to cover up my struggles, but all of this makes me feel alone, confused, anxious, depressed, and often inadequate and misunderstood. Far-Reaching Changes Can Have a Significant Effect Brown and Greenfield are certainly not alone. Many women, particularly those with ADHD, also feel shame when the cultural message for women is to be nice, help others, never say no, don't ask for too much and don't hurt anyone's feelings. For women with ADHD, these cultural messages can have an even greater impact, creating an internalized sense of self-blame, of not being good enough. It is essential for them to confront these messages in order to create the necessary changes to make their lives work for them, says Sari Solden in her book, Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life. Changes must be made at home, at school, at work and in relationships, Solden points out. Staying Last on the List Never Helps Mothers with ADHD also tend to put their own needs at the bottom of the list, and since it often takes them longer to get things done, their needs are never met. Cathy Riehl, a writer, rarely finds the time to get into her studio to write because she feels that she has to take care of the family first, and yet writing is something that gives her great joy and a sense of peace. I have no trouble focusing when I'm writing, she said. And when I'm done, I feel rejuvenated. Having a child with ADHD creates another layer of self-blame, Greenfield acknowledges. Raising her ADHD son forced Greenfield to see herself as if looking in a mirror every day, and at first she said she didn t have the tolerance for that. Advocating for him, however, became much easier with practice, and you can hear the pride in Greenfield s voice when she talks about how important it was for her to stand up for her son and get him the accommodations that he needed in order to succeed. ADHD Can Provide Insight An ADHD coach now, Greenfield has learned so much about her own ADHD that she can also appreciate the upside of being a mother with ADHD. She says she is better able to accept her son's unique talents and allow him to grow. She feels her role is to let him do his own thing without getting in the way. Greenfield is proud her son has learned how to manage his ADHD and even uses some of its characteristics to allow himself to shine. Brown agrees. Having ADHD herself allows her a better understanding of her 9-year-old ADHD son, and is one of the reasons she is working with an ADHD coach. She wants to be a role model for her son, to show him how he can overcome the challenges of ADHD. On good days, she can also look at some of her ADHD traits, such as her creativity and intuition, as blessings and great assets to have when parenting. My creativity and intuition help me to be more resourceful, she says, to let go of things and have more fun, especially at homework time with my son. Support is a Team Effort Both Greenfield and Brown encourage mothers with ADHD to find or establish their own support system as well. And I m talking multi-model, Greenfield said. It s not just going to a support group, not just taking a pill thinking that is going to manage your ADHD. It means working with someone who knows what you are talking about, someone who can help you build your self-esteem. You need a support team, Greenfield insists. Work with a psychiatrist who knows how to handle your medication, a therapist who understands ADHD and an ADHD coach. I love my coach because she really understands ADHD, so I get better results from our sessions and especially out of myself, Brown said. It s very empowering. Brown also says that it is so important for mothers with ADHD to focus on the basics of wellness, including a healthy diet, good sleep, exercise and finding something that nourishes you spiritually. She also suggests mothers with ADHD discover the way they learn best. Are you a visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner? Once you know your strengths, you have more options to thrive. And lastly, don t give in to the chatter in your head, Brown insists. Re-program yourself with self-love. Hillary Clinton often says, It takes a village to raise a child. Well, it takes a support team to help turn the challenges of ADHD into strengths. Our ADHD Mom s Favorite Tips During the interviews with our ADHD Moms, we asked them to share quickly some of their favorite tips. Here were some of the most popular: Simplify: meals, housework, clothing options Judy Brenis is an ADHD coach based in Santa Cruz, California. ADHD has touched her life in the form of her 22-year-old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD at age five, and Judy is passionate about helping those with ADHD create successful, happy, and healthy lives. Reach her at www.judyadhdcoaching.com.
An Interview with Barbara Luther Barbara Luther s struggle with her weight began on the Missouri farm where she grew up, and where her mother baked a double batch of chocolate chip cookies and two cakes every day. We were a big farm family, Luther said. We worked hard and ate robustly. In high school her father began to call her fat, and in college she didn t notice the pounds pile on. I wasn t really paying attention to it, Luther said. I m one of those ADDers who lives in her head, not paying much attention to my body. In fact, back then Luther didn t even know that many of her struggles, weight related and otherwise, were due to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, not having been diagnosed with ADHD until age 45. Luther was also not aware, until recently, of the link between ADHD, obesity and eating disorders. More than 60 percent of those seeking medical weight loss help also have ADHD, said Luther, who became an ADHD coach in 1997. The medical field is just beginning to understand this link. ADHD and Obesity According to some recent studies, there is a possible link between the gene known to be associated with drug addiction and impulsivity, and ADHD, Luther explained. These studies show a possible connection between ADHD symptoms and adults with obesity and binge eating. Should this be the case, treatments for weight loss would need to be different if the person has ADHD as opposed to just being obese. You can know quite a bit and still not really understand how it s impacting you, Luther said. We may have thought we understood it, but we didn t grasp the strong connection between the difficulty around impulsivity and weight loss. And yet, proper weight management relies on our ability to control our temptations, Luther pointed out. Lack of self-regulation, poor decision-making, sleep issues and depression& all these can adversely affect someone trying to lose weight. And eating is self-soothing, added Luther. When the brain is tired or stressed, we don t know what to do to give it support. So, we often get up and get something to eat. We fall into a mindless unhealthy habit. It is the same reason there s a strong correlation between ADHD and alcoholism or drug addiction we impulsively try something new, soothing, or risky. We do it a few times because it is novel or fulfills a need, then we become caught in the addictive habit loop. Plus, the temptations are so numerous when it comes to food, Luther points out emphatically. You can t drive a mile without seeing fast food signs, and for those with ADHD, self-regulation is very difficult. You may be able to ignore the first few signs, but by the time you see the 10th one, you pull in. Maintaining Mindfulness According to Luther, mindfulness also plays a huge role. At least it did for me, she said. On my own personal journey, I had to address mindfulness first. I had to stop and look at what I was eating every day. I wrote down everything that went into my mouth and made sure I weighed myself every day. That kind of structure is essential, Luther insists. It helped me learn what the signals were. Is that a hunger signal, or an emotional one? Writing it down helped me remember. We resist recording our eating big time. We feel it s a hassle, but it s key that we do it. When I get away from writing down what I eat, thinking I know how to eat now, the weight comes back on, Luther confesses. If I m not writing it down, I can t remember through a day what I ve eaten and then I m off eating too much again. Luther, who lost 80 pounds before getting married at age 21, has yo-yoed up and down several times since then, always regaining what she lost and then some. Planning is Essential Dieting takes so much focus on something that just doesn t seem that important to us ADDers, she said, pointing out how often those with ADD find themselves ravenous with nothing to eat in the house. Food prep and planning menus is boring, and it s no fun to figure out what to purchase if you even get yourself to the grocery store, Luther said. What did help Luther was learning how to keep certain things in the house for quick meals that she could throw together without a lot of hassle. I had my five favorite breakfasts, lunches, and dinners and could turn to those in a pinch. About four years ago, when Luther once again lost a considerable amount of weight (over 100 pounds), she said she was tired of feeling awful and at first just started recording what she ate and eating a Mediterranean type diet. I wanted to ease my way into it, Luther said. I didn t want to diet; I wanted to find a plan that I could live with and lose the weight slowly. I never set a bigger goal than 10 pounds. Begin with Baby Steps I became really curious, Luther said. After losing the first 10 pounds, then the second, I just started feeling better and wanted to see if I could feel even better. As she began to lose weight, she felt really good about herself. I was proud of myself, Luther said, and enjoyed my body for the first time since I was a teen. My knees didn t hurt. My back didn t hurt. I started working out after I dropped 50 pounds. And I didn t feel deprived. It s true for every human being, every mammal that feels confined, restricted, or controlled we re going to lash out. That s what diets do to us, Luther said. And if you start feeling deprived and don t address that, you re going to self-destruct. Even when successful, Luther said she allowed herself a tiny bit of dark chocolate every day, which went a long way in keeping that deprived feeling at bay. Luther also said that when her eating was under control, she could even go out with friends, eat and drink, and then the next day she wanted to go back to her healthier way of eating. We Can All Use a Positive Spin Unfortunately for Luther, in recent years that has proven more difficult, partly due to depression and hormone fluctuations that hit about two or three years ago. I just couldn t sustain things as well, Luther said. I lost it through the holidays. The depression just dragged me down. Luther said she reached out for help, but nothing worked. I couldn t even get the doctors to hear me. I was scared of my own impulsivity and needed additional support. David Girwerc, founder of ADDCA (the ADD Coach Academy), believes that when something is out of harmony, people need to pay attention to that "disharmony" and the signals that manifest in one's own body. He points out that for inattentive types, they need to work that much harder to observe those patterns. "It is all about the power of the pause," he says and learning how to identify the signals that are being sent to your brain before they expand into a dangerous situation that can compromise your physical and or mental health. Girwerc explains how depression can create a barrier to the successful patterns already established, which is what happened to Luther. Even though she had experienced success before, having learned how to pause and consciously make the right choices and decisions that created consistent and positive results, the depression took her right back to her old days. "But if she was successful once before, she can do it again," Girwerc said. "Positive psychology is about savoring the success and taking those learning experiences into the next phase. It is the savoring and reappraisal that makes resilient people come back and take action in new and improved ways." Luther agrees, and in retrospect, she believes that perhaps she had to regain some of the weight to learn further lessons particularly around negative self-talk and being loving and compassionate toward yourself, no matter what. There will be good days and bad days and if you make a mistake, beating yourself up is not going to help, Luther points out. Self-compassion is about awareness; it s about being empathetic with one s own self. It s trying to find habits that you can enjoy and will pull you forward. Creating a Brighter Future According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can t connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren t able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It s very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. We need multiple and constant reminders to help us manage our eating, especially when temptations arise and our willpower is worn down. That is exactly the reason Luther suggests finding someone to be your weight loss buddy, Someone who also wants to lose weight and needs support. Luther suggests setting short, attainable milestones like 5 or 10 pounds at a time. She also suggests building in non-food celebrations for when you reach those short goals. Get help to manage the negative self-talk. Enlist structures that really will be supportive; get that partner to help you. It makes it more fun and helps tremendously. Don t think of managing your weight as a war, Luther said. Learn to be mindful and self-compassionate. I certainly don t want to look back on my life and have it be all about my weight, so keep it in perspective. After all, the scale doesn t tell us who we are as people! Judy Brenis is an ADHD coach based in Santa Cruz, California. ADHD has touched her life in the form of her 22-year-old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD at age five, and Judy is passionate about helping those with ADHD create successful, happy, and healthy lives. Reach her at www.judyadhdcoaching.com.
By Judy Brenis Hands down, fathers with ADHD might just win the “Best Father in the World” award when it comes to having fun. “I’m like a grown up kid and they love it,” says Joe Elfassy, who has learned how to be a clown, a juggler, and an amateur chef. “My girls have a dad who can do things most other dads can’t.” “I’m not afraid to try anything,” Elfassy says. “I’m all about spontaneity. We garden, build things, I teach them how to repair things. I’m very hands-on, and whatever I do I involve them in it,” says this stay at home dad, who has two daughters, ages 5 and 9. “I am always able to see the funny side of any given situation. “The kids know that if they want to have a good time, go see dad. No matter what my kids want to try, I’m in. No matter how difficult or unrealistic their requests, I will try to figure out a way that we can do it.” Duane Gordon, also father to two daughters, one of whom has ADHD, echoes the very same sentiments. Gordon laughed, remembering when his youngest daughter was in the first grade and needed to dress up as the engine of a train for a Christmas pageant. “Between the two of us, we went kind of crazy… ok, it was mostly me,” he admits. “By the time we had finished, there was even smoke coming out of the engine, but the only problem was once she put it on, she couldn’t lift it and we had to dismantle a good portion of it. “Another Christmas my daughter, Kyrie, and I took it upon ourselves to put the lights up outside to decorate the house for Christmas. “We figured we can do this up right, and by the time we were finished, planes were probably going off track because our house was so bright with all the lights covering our house. “These are memories that my daughters still have today -- of all the crazy things they did with dad,” Gordon said. “Most definitely one of the plus sides of being a father with ADD is coming up with so many wacky ideas and doing strange stuff without bothering to think whether or not this makes sense, is it logical? I just go for it.” Even now, although Gordon’s daughters are in their 20‘s, they come to him to problem solve, or for brainstorming. Gordon says they can always rely on me for ideas. Most recently, Gordon said his oldest daughter, 27, who is soon graduating with a Ph.D. in psychology, turned to him for ideas for a research topic. “I can think of great questions or ideas even if I don’t totally understand the subject matter.” “One of the ADHD traits that make ADHD dads the best dads in the world is our curiosity and willingness to learn about things our kids are interested in,” said Jay Carter. “ADHD dads can hyperfocus with their child on whatever the latest and greatest thing piquing their child’s interest, and then when the child’s attention wanes from that particular area of fascination, so does the dad’s, where other dads might become frustrated they invested so much time and energy now that their kid has lost interest,” Carter pointed out. Joe Pecile, father of two boys, ages 22 and 25, believes that a father with ADHD can be more understanding as opposed to judgmental because of their own challenges. Elfassy agrees, however, he realizes that when he is off his medication he can forget how young his children are and expect a bit too much from them. “When off my meds, I can begin to feel like everything they do is against me,” he admitted. “With medication, I remember that they are just kids.” It’s that inconsistency that is one of the challenges for Elfassy being a father with ADHD. Elfassy acknowledges that when he hasn’t taken his ADHD medication, he tends to react to the smallest stimuli even though it’s really not that big a deal. Elfassy said that his children notice the difference, so when he’s forgotten to take his medication, even his youngest will say, “Daddy, you’ve gone crazy, take your meds.” During his daughter’s teen years, Gordon said it was difficult not to overreact. “When a kid does something, you react immediately without thinking of the consequences and whether or not this is really that important. The same impulsivity that makes me ready for anything fun often leads me to say things I regret later.” Pecile pointed out that once he learned about his ADHD, his family relationships improved. The understanding helped him retreat to a neutral corner of the ring rather than engaging immediately in a more negative way. Carter believes that sometimes his impulsivity can be positive because it helps him to reward behavior quickly. “The trick is to make sure that our impulsive reaction has the appropriate amount of correction or reinforcement,” Carter said. “One of the biggest challenges of being a father with ADHD is trying to create consistency in the way that we work with our children,” Carter said. “Most kids, especially kids with ADHD, do well with structure: going to bed at the same time, getting up about the same time, having the same expectations for homework and chores around the house. But for dads with ADHD, this can really be challenging. We strive for some level of consistency in our own life and even that’s hard to do sometimes. “Dads with ADHD struggle with social cues in social situations, but we also struggle with the social cues around our own family,” Carter pointed out. “Fathers with ADHD can sometimes have difficulty in picking up on some of the things a child is going through and may not be quite as able to step in with the appropriate response.” Forgetfulness is another challenge of fathers with ADHD, Elfassy said. On a recent Saturday, his wife had suggested he take his daughters to the fair that was in town while she was at work. Efassy said he planned to do just that, but woke up thinking what a perfect day it was to build a garden and got so involved working with his kids in the backyard, that he totally forgot about the fair. He felt bad that he let his daughters down. He knows they were disappointed and when things like that happen, he feels he’s let himself down as well. “As dads with ADHD, we’re often very busy because there are so many things we like to do and we don’t always make time or set aside time to be there for our kids,” Carter said. “One of the challenges of being a father with ADHD is making sure that my game is up to par,” Pecile noted. “ADHD often impairs one’s ability to be on top of their game and that provides additional challenges when being a parent with ADHD.” Pecile is thankful his diagnosis was uncovered before too much more time slipped by. “I like to say I got my ADHD from them,” he joked, acknowledging his gratitude that their condition helped uncover his own. “After my diagnosis, my self-perception and my perception of my sons changed for the better. Pecile says it helped once he learned how ADHD affects the pre-frontal cortex of the brain and the areas that involve impulsivity, focus, time management, problem solving, etc. “This diagnosis was a long-awaited explanation as to why I was so different from many of my counterparts,” Pecile said. “The knowledge I gained about ADHD and how it has impacted me has helped me become a better father. “It is often said, ‘know thy self,’ and I would like to think that teaching that to my boys is one of the most important lessons I can pass on to them.” “My advice would be to remember that life will happen anyway,” Gordon said. “You don’t have to push it; you don’t have to force it. There is very little that you are upset about today that is a matter of life or death. When we are going through a particular situation, it seems like the end of the world… that it’s ‘do or die,’ and it’s really not. Lighten up; don’t take everything so seriously. I’d probably add that it would be a good idea to be as quick with an apology when we hurt someone’s feelings as we are to jump into an adventure.” Carter agrees. “The most important thing is to help your child know they are loved. That is the single biggest and most important thing a child needs. Try to give affirmation as often as possible, tell them how much you appreciate the things they do well and not just empty compliments like, ‘I like your blue shirt.’ Tell them you appreciate some of the things they do or some of the character traits that they have,” Carter said. “If we can really focus our attention on the important things, then the fact that dinner is not on the table at 6 p.m. every night is not going to be as big a deal. Focus on the most important things and let some of the smaller things take care of themselves.” Carter also suggests to other fathers with ADHD, that if there are areas where you are struggling from a parenting standpoint, whether it’s consistency with things around the house or issues from an emotional perspective, helping your kids with homework on a regular basis, organization, or just challenges with things that relate to your own ADHD, then it might be a time to seek out a coach or get some help from a family member or friend in dealing with those issues. Elfassy’s advice is built around acceptance of your ADHD diagnosis. “It’s just another facet of life. We all have something. I have ADD but it’s just a part of who I am. “At the end of the day, your life is just a story and everything that happens to you is just a part of that story. You might as well make it a positive one. There’s always somebody who has something worse than you so just be grateful and go with it.”
By Judy Brenis A hero, according to Webster’s Dictionary, is a person noted for feats of courage or special achievement. When asked to name a hero, most people look to someone on the world stage, a Nelson Mandela or Ghandi, but ADHD Coach Linda Walker has set out to highlight everyday heroes with the launching of a Web site this month, ADHDheroes.org. Walker wants to share inspirational stories of people succeeding with ADHD. "It will be a way for people with ADHD to read about other ADDers who have, either in spite of, or because of, their ADHD, risen above their challenges to create a healthy, happy, productive life for themselves.” Walker announced the Web site at the ACO Conference in Chicago to an enthusiastic reception. "The stories we plan to tell will inspire, motivate and celebrate those with ADHD," said Walker, her voice filled with passion for her new endeavor, which includes plans for a documentary and possibly a book as well. "The heroes we interview will share with us what has made the difference for them,” Walker went on to explain. "We will find out what life was like for them when they were younger and learn of the reasons for their success. We want to help bring hope and courage to all those with ADHD." Walker graduated six years ago from the ADD Coach Academy, created by David Giwerc, a leader in the field who has his own ADHD story to tell. Walker said that in her coaching practice she has clients completely invested in the idea that they have a mental disorder, but "I see it as a brain difference." "I would never deny the very negative impact ADHD can have on anyone’s life, especially having lived it myself with my daughter and husband,” Walker said. "However, there is a lot of power in language, and I've found that the way someone with ADHD defines their ADHD greatly influences the way they define themselves. If you define ADHD as a mental disorder, you risk seeing yourself as the victim of that mental disorder, and seeing yourself as a victim is very disempowering. "Unfortunately, I know of many extremely talented people who see themselves as having a disorder and who stay victim of their disorder.” Walker tries to help her clients see ADHD as a difference in terms of neurodiversity, instead of a disorder. "This empowers them to learn what makes them different, how to embrace those differences, seek out a career that utilizes their strengths and to accept that it’s alright to have different ways of doing things." As an ADHD coach, Walker said she has helped clients accomplish many amazing things, one client wrote a book, another ran a marathon. "It’s all about self-realization and believing you are worthy and capable of anything you really want to do." In addition to the personal struggles someone with ADHD encounters, creating even more challenges for the person with ADHD is that we live in a society that is not "ADD friendly,” Walker pointed out. "Cell phones ringing, email pinging, and open-door policies that invite anyone and everyone to drop by uninvited create constant distractions that can make it difficult to get your work done and feel satisfied," Walker said. "With ADHD, any sort of meaningful productivity becomes almost impossible without accommodations." "Overall, our society is not very tolerant of differences and as a result, adults with ADHD often live in shame because they never quite measure up to what society calls "normal.” We tend to focus on weaknesses and how to improve them rather than on strengths and how to take advantage of them, and doing this, we lose the enormous contributions these out-of-the-box thinkers can make." For example, Walker spoke of a man who was a project manager for a big IT company, but his poor time management and organizational skills, plus problems with procrastination were getting in the way. This particular "hero” ended up going through a divorce, alienating his peers at work and could have lost his job before he worked with Walker to turn his life around once diagnosed with ADHD. Rather than play the victim, Joe Pecile accepted his diagnosis, found the medication that worked for him, and began to master and put into practice the tools and strategies that would help him compensate for the challenges of his ADHD. "Now he is considered a gem in his company and called on specifically for brainstorming meetings," Walker said. Walker’s own husband was heading for financial ruin, divorce and employment difficulties before his ADHD diagnosis following their daughter’s diagnosis. He too, found that medication helped but didn’t solve every problem. So Duane Gordon began working on his own problems with time management, recognizing his strengths and weaknesses so they would no longer be obstacles and 15 years later, his marriage is on solid ground, his finances are in better shape and he’s much happier and more satisfied with life. It is stories like these that Walker is thrilled to highlight on her new website and thankful for the many volunteers that have come forward to help her turn this dream into a reality. "Our website development team is made up of men and women from all over the world, all of whom either have ADHD themselves or who have a family member with ADHD,” Walker said. "We want to reach as many people as possible, and already have contacts from Singapore, to the UK, to Canada and the United States. "We hope to find new heroes to highlight all the time, and right now we are especially looking for volunteers who share are vision and are willing to pitch in and help our organization spread our message of hope and encouragement. Please contact us through http://www.adhdheros.org. Judy Brenis is an ADHD coach based in Santa Cruz, California. ADHD has touched her life in the form of her 22-year-old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD at age five, and Judy is passionate about helping those with ADHD create successful, happy, and healthy lives. Reach her at www.judyadhdcoaching.com. |
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Zandra Maffett dreams of the day when there is no longer a stigma attached to
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